eclipsed by me

i wanna take your picture

datura — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 13:20:40 +0000

i love photography. looking at images, dissecting the information in each one. and i have a camera that i adore learning to use. but i suck at taking pictures. especially nature photography. i think i may have an ok eye for people, maybe. so, in an effort to practice my skills, i’m thinking of photoblogging this fall. starting in sept, i hope to take at least one great picture a day on at least one great adventure a day. can i do it? that remains to be seen.

night sky

datura — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 01:02:21 +0000

i want to disappear in to the sky tonight. study the shades of blue and black until i’m blind and fall fast asleep.

hello

datura — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 02:20:30 +0000

I suck at updating this.

kaki

datura — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 19:43:32 +0000

i’m seeing the amazingly, wonderful, talented, pretty, super awesome, best ever kaki king tonight. i may pee my pants with excitement.

the internets

datura — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:10:00 +0000

i’m having this obsessive compulsive issue with all my bits over the internet. blips here, twitpics there, flickrs, youtubes, status updates galore… it’s stressing me out. i think i’ll just post more here instead. need to minimize the stress.

my day is made

datura — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:40:46 +0000

purchased. happy.

where is your christmas spirit?

datura — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:21:44 +0000

i worked on the 3rd floor, in an assisted living facility. i didn’t know what i was doing tho. i remember thinking i could just get by, but then realizing the shift was from 7pm to 7am, i figured i’d better get in that little room and figure out if someone needs medicine. as i was walking into the little closet, i was greeted by a nurse from another floor. she had someone who needed to be admitted, but there were no open beds left. i was pissed. no way was i taking another person on my floor. i followed her down the hallway to some stairs, telling her that i couldn’t bring someone insane up here with all these older people sleeping. it would disrupt everything. she walked away and i continued down the hallway to a small stairwell. there was a dingy yellow light at the top and blackness at the bottom. i heard water. i walked down the stairs, hearing sloshing as i got closer. it was dark, but my ankles were wet, so i knew i was standing in water. i heard someone behind the door. i’m pretty sure i wasn’t in the assisted living place anymore. the door opened by itself and i went in. there wasn’t water inside. there was an old man wearing a green robe. he was sitting next to an old christmas tree all lit up. next to the tree were dusty shelves full of boxes of old broken ornaments and lights. in the other corner was a melted plastic christmas tree. the old man spoke up, “where is your christmas spirit? this whole room could be bright with light, but it’s not because of you.”

what the hell is wrong with my head?

mother’s day

datura — Sun, 10 May 2009 13:49:48 +0000

thoughts and regrets

datura — Sun, 03 May 2009 01:34:11 +0000

i’m mad at myself. the past 2 years of my life have been hard. tests, chemotherapy, surgery, radiation… and i’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i will be going in for breast reconstruction in 2 weeks. no more tissue expanders. i’ve missed the softer curves, but i’m still mad. i didn’t document. i don’t have pictures. i probably fought the hardest battle of my life and i have not written a word or snapped a before and after picture. it’s almost as though i’ve been through all this but have nothing to show. which is totally silly to say, since i have life. cancer makes you think crazy things. and moving on after an event like cancer is so much harder than you might think. i still feel lost and i’m not sick. i should feel strong. i feel like i’d be happier with a book of words and pictures to look back upon. i would carry it with me everyday. and flip through the pages each night. and it would help me heal. i’m not sure i’m really healing inside.

do you think i’m pretty?

datura — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:43:24 +0000

i’m supposed to be working. i’m not. i’m supposed to be fulfilled. i’m not. what i am tho, is tired. tired of waking up. tired of driving. tired of working. tired of not feeling. this is not what i’m supposed to be thinking. after everything, i should be blinded by happiness. staring at the sun or like looking into my iphone first thing in the morning. burn my retina happy. you know? how about little something to brighten my day?

best day ever.

datura — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:45:27 +0000

ahh, my teeth!

datura — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:21:21 +0000

so now that i’ve had my ovaries removed, i’m starting menopause. at age 33. yay. anyways, it’s been fine so far, no REAL hot flashes, but lots of body temperature changes and lots of tiredness. i’m going to the store today to get my vitamins and calcium so i can fight osteoporosis. anyways, i’ve been having really weird dreams lately. last night, i dreamt about teeth. my teeth were falling out. one at a time. the first that i lost was right in the front and i was devastated. all i could do was wait until i could get in touch with the dentist. as i waiting to get in touch with him, other teeth were loose and falling out. i picked one up to look at it and it was hollow. i was so upset.

when i woke this morning i was brushing my teeth and remembered the dream. i decided to google dream meanings and teeth falling out and this is what i found – “In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.”

freaked me out.

cha cha cha changes

datura — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:11:01 +0000

ella

life moves so fast. ella is 2. talking non stop. loves to sing and dance and read books. she is up at 7am and goes all day. it’s so fun watching her learn and explore. and i love more than anything watching her and rob talk. it’s so cute and makes my heart all fuzzy.

since i got pregnant with her, i’ve had a horrid pregnancy full of hospital trips and kidney stones. i’ve been diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer. i went through 6 brutal chemotherapy treatments. had a bilateral mastectomy and then went thru 28 days of radiation. had rapidly growing cysts on my ovaries which resulted in a bilateral oophorectomy, which i just had last week. in january of 2009, i’ll have my breast reconstruction.

i’m lucky that ella came when she did. she was my only chance. and i’m so grateful that i’m here to watch her grow up.

i think about that every. single. moment.

powerful

datura — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:13:48 +0000

maybe when i die…

datura — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:18:15 +0000

i’ve been through a lot.
i give all of myself and more to the people i love.
i just want it in return.

my head hurts.

datura — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:39:53 +0000

obama is hope

datura — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:40:40 +0000

i hope the weather holds

datura — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:15:56 +0000

but you don’t need the sun to make you shine

oy.

datura — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:35:49 +0000

so awesome

datura — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:59:23 +0000

something interesting among the spam cleanup…

datura — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:22:47 +0000

Sent: 9/1/2008 11:09:35 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subj: about Sarah Palin

More of the same from an Alaskan resident: (from a reliable source – my personal attorney)

Forwarded Message:
Subj: from a friends classmate about the Rep VP
Date: 8/30/2008 9:32:38 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: rosybax

Dear classmates -

As an Alaskan, I am writing to give all of you some information on
Sarah Palin, Senator McCain’s choice for VP. As an Alaska voter, I
know more than most of you about her and, frankly, I am horrified that
he picked her.

The most accurate description of her is red neck. Her husband works in
the oil fields of Prudhoe Bay and races snow mobiles. She is a life
time member of the NRA and has worked tirelessly to allow
indiscriminate hunting of wildlife in Alaska, particularly wolves and
bears. She has spent millions of Alaska state dollars on aerial
hunting=2 0of these predators from helicopters and airplanes, dollars
that should have been spent, for example, on Alaska’s failing school
system.We have the lowest rate of high school graduation in the
country. Not all of you may think aerial predator hunting is so bad,
but how anyone (other than Alaska wolf-haters, of which there are
many, most without teeth), could think this use of funds is
appropriate is beyond me. If you want to know more about the aerial
hunting travesty, let me know and I will send some links to
informative web sites.

She has been a strong supporter of increased use of fossil fuels, yet
the McCain campaign has the nerve to say she has “green” policies. The
only thing green about Sarah Palin is her lack of experience. She has
consistently supported drilling in ANWR, use of coal-burning power
plants (as I write this, a new coal plant is being built in her home
town of Wasilla), strip mining, and almost anything else that will
unnecessarily exploit the diminishing resources of Alaska and destroy
its environment.

Prior to her one year as governor of Alaska, she was mayor of Wasilla,
a small red neck town outside Anchorage.The average maximum education level of parents of junior high school kids in Wasilla is 10th grade.
Unfortunately, I have to go to Wasilla every week to get groceries and
other supplies, so I have continual contact with the people who put
Palin in office in the first place. I know what I’m talking about.
These people don’t have a concept of the world around them or of the
serious issues facing the US. Furthermore, they don’t care. So long as
they can go out and hunt their moose every fall, kill wolves and bears
and drive their snow mobiles and ATVs through every corner of the
wilderness, they’re happy. I wish I were exaggerating.

Sarah Palin is currently involved in a political corruption scandal.
She fired an individual (her brother-in-law) in law enforcement here because she didn’t like how he treated one of her relatives (her sister) during a divorce. The man’s performance and ability weren’t considered; it was a totally personal firing and is currently under investigation. While the issue isn’t close to the scandal of Ted Steven’s corruption, it shows that Palin isn’t “squeaky clean” and causes me to think there ay be more issues that could come to light. Clearly McCain doesn’t care.

When you line Palin up with Biden, the comparison would be laughable
if it weren’t so serious. Sarah Palin knows nothing of economics
(admittedly a weak area for McCain), or of international affairs,
knows nothing of national government, Social Security, unemployment,
health care systems – you name it. The idea of her meeting with heads
of foreign governments around the world truly frightens me.

In an increasingly dangerous world, with the economy in shambles in
the US, Sarah Palin is uniquely UNqualified to be vice president. John
McCain is not a young man. Should something happen to him such that
the vice president had to step in, it would destroy our country and
possibly the world to have someone as inexperienced and inappropriate
as Sarah Palin. The choice of Palin is a cheap shot by McCain to try
to get Hillary supporters to vote for him. when McCain introduced her
today, Palin had the nerve to compare herself with Hillary and
Geraldine Ferraro. Sarah Palin, you are no Hillary Clinton.

To those of you who, like me, supported Hilary and were upset that she
did not get the nomination, please don’t think that Sarah Palin is a
worthy substitute. If you supported Hillary, regardless of what you
think the media and the democratic party may have done to undermine
her campaign, the person to support now is Obama, not Sarah Palin. To those of you who are independent or undecided, don’t let the choice of Palin sway you in favor of McCain. Choosing her shows how unqualified McCain is to be president. To those of you who are conservative, I guess you have no choice for president. But please try to see how the poor choice of Palin tells us a great deal about McCain’s judgment.
While the political posturing inherent in the choice of Palin is
obvious, the more serious issue is the fact that the VP is, literally,
a heartbeat away from the presidency. Sarah Palin is totally and
unequivocally unqualified to be vice president, let alone president.

I know this is a lengthy and emotional email, but the stakes are high.
I thought it might help for all of you, regardless of political
affiliation, to know something about Palin from someone who has to
live with her administration in Alaska on a daily basis.

:)

datura — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:53:25 +0000

reading in bed

datura — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:13:06 +0000

i love story books for kids. i love that you can dream up anything and bring it to life. every night at 8pm, ella and i go into her room and pick out a few books to read in the rocking chair before she goes to sleep. our current favorite is bear snores on. and i say our favorite, because i adore this book as much as she does. we’ve also been reading i love you sun, i love you moon. sometimes we read them twice.

i always wanted to write kids story books. i might just do it. g’night.

so, here we go

datura — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 20:54:21 +0000

hold on tight and don’t let go
i won’t ever let you fall
i love the night
flying o’er these city lights
but i love you most of all
..thrice..

i heart fred

datura — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:34:17 +0000

[10:31] fred: olivia
[10:31] me: fred.
[10:31] fred: what’s with all the emo kid poetry on your blog?
[10:31] me: i’m going nuts
[10:31] me: and it’s all that comes out
[10:31] me: :(
[10:31] fred: Is this the kind of nuts that going to six flags will fix?
[10:31] me: probably
[10:32] me: when are we going?
[10:32] fred: Whenever
[10:32] fred: Just don’t ask jay or dan for timelines
[10:32] me: ok

longing

datura — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:54:34 +0000

i long for the days
of sunshine
and spotted minds
and time standing
still in our eyes
for some time now
i’ve felt
your fingers on
my cheeks
filling me
with warmth
blending our souls
like the tides
that blend the earth
so i long
for that day in time
when i shine
in your eyes
and you shine
in mine

is this desire?

datura — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:26:13 +0000

sometimes i simply suck at writing, but feel moved by music. music is the biggest turn on to me, in many ways. and so on the days i can’t write, i can at least share something with you that moves me, and hopefully in turn, moves you.

Joseph walked on and on
The sunset went down and down
Coldness cooled their desire
And Dawn said, ‘Let’s build a fire’
The sun dressed the trees in green
And Joe said, ‘I feel like a King’
And Dawn’s neck and her feet were bare
Sweetness in her golden hair
Said, ‘I’m not scared’
Turned to her and smiled
Secrets in his eyes
Sweetness of desire
Is this desire
Enough enough
To lift us higher
To lift above?
Hour-long, by hour, may we two stand
When we’re dead, between these lands
The sun set behind his eyes
And Joe said, ‘Is this desire?’
Is this desire
Enough enough
To lift us higher
To lift above?
Is this desire
Enough enough
Enough inside
Is this desire
…pj harvey…

busy bee

datura — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:02:58 +0000

i’m so busy. my boss is out this week, unexpectedly. i’m doing her job and my own, but of course at my shitty hourly rate. but i’m gonna make the best of this. i intend on having a great week, accomplishing a lot, and being happy. remind me of that when my head starts hurting from stress.

64 years

datura — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:54:38 +0000

how do you face being alone after 64 years of love? how do you process your daily life, knowing that one day soon, your heartbeat will stop and your soulmate will be left without you? what do you tell that person you spend every day with at the end? how do you compile your life to move around you? and does it actually wait for you to let go? too many questions…

day like this

datura — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:39:10 +0000

breezy, ocean side, i love this town
each day i can smell the flow of the tide
reaching out to me, reminding me to breathe
heart beating with waves pounding
begging me to never go home

bottom of the world

datura — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:10:11 +0000

inspiration in the light
twice with your palms open
and your wild eyes, i thought
you might understand, in the light
but it seems the dark always overtakes the night

our hell

datura — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:09:26 +0000

first went wrong is hard to find
we’re paralyzed, we apologize
our hell is a good life
last went wrong, where’s my prize under the lights
can we call it in?
we’ll be on the road
can we stop?
when we stop my back will turn your face toward the fence
what i thought it was it isn’t now
all this weight, is honest worse
we’re moderate, we modernize
till our hell is a good life
all we know what to forget… how to do right
coloring in the black hole
can’t we stop? when we stop
my hands will shake, my eyes will burn
my throat will ache, watching you turn
from me toward your friends
what i thought it was it isn’t now
what i thought it was it isn’t
punishment to stall what is done
what i thought was in is missing out
what i thought it was it isn’t now
there’s a pattern in the system
there’s a bullet in the gun
that’s why i tried to save you
but it can’t be done

…emily haines…

we were meant for ruin

datura — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:01:08 +0000

deep in the dark of your mind, what are you doing to me?
if i were a posable doll, how would you place me?

i made a deal with a dear friend

datura — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:49:11 +0000

write. even if it’s a sentence a day. even if it’s meaningless to everyone but me. this is for happiness.

there is nothing more beautiful than connecting with a person on every level then touching their skin to feel those connections come alive.

if you find me, hide me, i don’t know where i’ve been

datura — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:24:24 +0000

have you ever driven all the way to work, pulled into your parking spot and realized you don’t remember the actual ride? i swear i was paying attention… maybe it’s monotony.

misery business

datura — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:40:27 +0000

i’m thinking too much. my brain never stops. and i never get a break from it, you, them, stuff. i’m daydreaming too much. thinking about this, that, what is, could be. but aren’t you kinda dead if you stop all that thinking and daydreaming? it certainly would be easier tho. nothing is ever easy. why can’t your obvious path just be there, lit up, with pretty white christmas lights, beckoning you forward? why isn’t it ok to enjoy what makes you feel good and go where you feel loved? and why do we have to worry about hurting everyone along the way? are we all really that important? i wonder why i think i’m so important. or maybe i just wish i was important to someone. my head hurts today.

crowd surf off a cliff

datura — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 02:11:28 +0000

i’m having a serious emily obsession. how could i not…

cursed with a love that you can’t express.
it’s not for a fuck or a kiss.
rather give the world away than wake up lonely,
everywhere in every way i see you with me.

crowd surf off a cliff, land out on the ice.
crowd surf off to sea, float toward the beach.
if you find me, hide me, i don’t know where i’ve been.
if you find me, hide me, i don’t know where I’ve been.

are we breathing, are we breathing, are we wasting our breath.
it won’t be enough to be rich.
rather give the world away than wake up lonely,
everywhere in every way i see you with me.
all the babies tucked away in their beds,
we’re out here screaming, “the life that you thought through is gone!”
can’t wind down, the ending outlasting the move. i wake up lonely.

crowd surf off a cliff, land out on the ice.
crowd surf off to sea, float toward the beach.
if you find me, hide me, i don’t know where i’ve been.
when you phone me tell me everything i did.
if i’m sorry you lost me you’d better make it quick
‘cause this call costs late where you live, it’s late where you live.

..emily haines..

clarity

datura — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:14:13 +0000

clar·i·ty – noun
clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

when will i find this?

for you

datura — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 01:35:33 +0000

and i cannot stop shaking because you cannot stop shaking
and these chords they are trembling because your words they are bleeding
and these holes in my hands are for you, just for you
she called out to her maker to now be her savior
my love, these holes in my hands are for you, just for you
..jacob bannon..

i’d like to wrassle him!

datura — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:05:47 +0000

OBAMA !

datura — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:53:08 +0000

i have a crush on this man. *swoons*

fell on black days

datura — Fri, 30 May 2008 00:46:45 +0000

whatsoever i’ve feared has
come to life
whatsoever i’ve fought off
became my life
just when everyday
seemed to greet
me with a smile
sunspots have faded
and now i’m doing time
cause i fell on
black days

whomsoever i’ve cured
i’ve sickened now
whomsoever i’ve cradled
i’ve put you down
i’m a search light soul
they say but i can’t
see it in the night
i’m only faking
when i get it right
cause i fell on
black days
how would i know
that this could be my fate

so what you wanted to
see good has made you blind
and what you wanted to
be yours has made it
mine
so don’t you lock up
something that you
wanted to see fly
hands are for shaking
no not tying

i sure don’t
mind a change
but i fell on black
days
how would i know
that this could be
my fate

..chris cornell..

i like weekends

datura — Tue, 27 May 2008 01:49:03 +0000

i had a great weekend spending time with my friends and family. on saturday we had a lot of our friends over for a cookout. we don’t normally have parties, so it was fun and i think most everyone had a good time. on sunday we hung out. we took ella to the state park after dinner and she loved it. she’s so fun to watch. today we went for a nice long ride and out to lunch. i love relaxing weekends. we need more of them!

so happy

datura — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 12:57:52 +0000

BEST. ALBUM. EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR. i love this band more than words can say.

cancer dream

datura — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:55:28 +0000

i’m leaving the hospital today and heading back home to maine to recover. it’s certainly been a rough whirlwind of a few days. we came down to boston and stayed in the hotel next to the hospital wednesday. bright and early thursday morning we went into surgical admitting and they whisked me away. went into the pre-surgery unit, got an IV and some medications, some sexy hospital pants and footies. laid on the bed and talked to about a zillion different people about the surgery, anesthesia and all kinds of stuff. then the anesthesia nurse said “i’m going to give you something now that will relax you, like a nice big glass of wine.” and it was. i loved it. i don’t remember much after that. but from what i understand, the surgery took about 5 hours and went very well. i woke up groggy but i remember going from recovery to my permanent room. it took me a few days to get back on my feet and to get control over the pain but i think i’ve got it worked out now. now i just have to get used to this phantom feeling i have in my chest. this numb squishy transitional feeling. it’s weird. and i get to go home with 4 drains coming out of the incision areas. yay! :( so i have things hanging from my body too. bizarre and creepy. but that cancer is gone. it’s not in me anymore, not growing and making me sick. and there no chance of it coming back the same way. and that makes me happy. the next steps are healing from surgery and expanding the skin to the size of my new breasts. then radiation for 6 weeks. the healing from that. then i can finally finish reconstruction after that. so when i look ahead, i’ve still gotta be strong, but the hardest stuff is past me now. that also makes me happy.

i really haven’t cried much through this whole situation. i still doesn’t seem real to me sometime. i often wonder if i will have a breakdown after it is all said and done. who knows. who cares. i just wanna stick around a little longer so i’m gonna fight.

get informed dammit

datura — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 15:55:13 +0000

start here:

75% Mike Gravel
74% John Edwards
73% Bill Richardson
71% Barack Obama
71% Hillary Clinton
69% Chris Dodd
68% Dennis Kucinich
62% Joe Biden
39% Tom Tancredo
37% Rudy Giuliani
32% Mitt Romney
32% Ron Paul
29% John McCain
29% Fred Thompson
28% Mike Huckabee

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

good news makes me happy

datura — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 18:36:46 +0000

well i’m in boston having my 5th and second to last chemo (YAY!!). i just got my iv in and my first drug started and i thought about what i just heard in my visit with the doctor and just giggled from happiness. i came down on friday to have a PET and CT scan to start planning for my surgery and i got the results today. and the results are this:

THEY SEE NO MORE CANCER THANKS TO THE CHEMO. :)

while i still have a long road ahead of me (surgery), i’m soooooo thankful that my treatment plan is working so well for me. i will be a survivor and i will live a long life. i feel blessed.

yeah so

datura — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:34:02 +0000

i realized i’m dreaming like i’ll live forever, but i’m not living like i’ll die tomorrow. and that pisses me off.

fuck cancer

datura — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:15:44 +0000

breast cancer at age 32. how the hell does that happen?

i thought the light was dim when i saw the black cloud but i had no idea. i see it there tho. it’s still shining and i know it’ll be bright again. it’s just waiting in the dark. with that sting in your eyes. close them. rest them. open them. motivate. all this time i’m thinking about a million things and places and people and situations. and all i should be doing is absorbing. then healing. i think i will. i don’t think i’ll be numb forever. but right now i can’t cope. or i can cope, by not coping or thinking. about me. just about everyone else. my head is always cold now. chemostylee.

black cloud gaining ground

datura — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 12:39:36 +0000

i feel as tho my life is surrounded with big looming black clouds and every day is a fight to keep them away. name every person in my family and i can tell you a sad story. me included. ella not included, thankfully.

words

datura — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 16:24:29 +0000

if i thought it might matter,
i’d say
if i thought saying it again would work,
i would
but nothing manages to mean anything
when you look at it
i pretty much feel lost to it all
so i sit quietly
wondering where to go from here

merry christmas! :D

datura — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 01:49:14 +0000

yay, it’s christmas time!

datura — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 00:47:06 +0000

we went out in the cold and wind to get a christmas tree this morning and it was so much fun. i love this time of year. i’ve managed to find time to decorate a little while ella cat naps throughout the day. i’ve enjoyed my 8 weeks at home so much. the thought of going back to the daily grind sucks so bad. thankfully my mom will be watching ella. i’m still going to miss her so much. i hope i can handle it. my goal is to work my ass off, pay off some debt and then go part time so i can spend more time with my family.

i love my family. :)

being a momma is cool

datura — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 12:02:39 +0000

ella will be 6 weeks on monday! i can’t believe it. she’s a little piglet, she already weighs 10 lbs. i have to go back to work in 2 weeks. ugh. gross.

sleep? hahaha

datura — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 12:47:49 +0000

ella has my tomato cheeks and my puke face according to rob. i win. :)

ooohhh baby pictures

datura — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 13:48:35 +0000

there will be lots of these. go there if you wanna see em. :)

meet miss ella lilian

datura — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 22:43:03 +0000

quick post from the hospital. ella is here. she was born on monday october 9th at 4:44 am. we had to have a last minute c-section because she decided to turn breech on me. regardless, she’s here and she’s perfect. 7 lbs 13 oz, 20 inches long.

we will be in the hospital for a few more days as mommy has to heal from her surgery. many more pictures and updates to come. thanks to all those who have been thinking of us. we love you all!

clicky

i love this season

datura — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 14:16:11 +0000

october is the best month. autumn is the most amazing season. leaves changing, cool breezes, pumpkins and gourds, harvesting, samhain (halloween), my wedding anniversary, my wonderful husbands birthday, and soon the birthday of our little one. there is nothing better than this time of year. nothing.

i discovered what i think is quite possibly the most amazing photographer ever this morning. absoluelty gorgeous.

the baby is due on the 8th of this month. i am anticipating her arrival on the full moon which is on the 7th. i’m going to finish her room today and hopefully finish packing my hospital bag. my goal is to maintain this calm that i feel this morning through her birth.

holy shit

datura — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 23:06:06 +0000

i’m going to have a baby in 5 weeks.

*freaks*

restless restless

datura — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 22:11:08 +0000

i’m messing with layout again. mandy found a cute layout and now i need to find one too. :D
i seem to be into pink. altho i may change the colors around. who knows.

9 weeks until the baby is here. i can’t believe it. last night i had a bowl of lucky charms before bed. bad idea. she was up kicking and flipping around for hours after. it was cool because rob could feel her flailing around, but i was trying to get to sleep!

i’m gonna post some pictures of the nursery soon. as soon as i get my act together and finish it. ;)

hey guess what? it’s raining!

datura — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 11:28:55 +0000

i woke up to a thunder storm at 6:45 am this morning. i didn’t mind tho, about being woken up at least. (the rain is another story.) for the last few weeks, sleeping has been really difficult with this growing belly of mine. i’m used to sleeping on my stomach, now i can only go side to side, which hurts my hips after a few hours. not only that, but this little girl is active at night. kicking and flipping around in there. it’s crazy. but it’s okay. i still sometimes can’t believe she’s in there. and a kick in the bladder makes it all the more real.

i’ve been hyper sensitive lately too. i was thinking about my little nieces and about how cute and sweet they are and burst into tears because i couldn’t imagine loving anything so much. but it gets worse. i was driving home from work and there was a wasp on my windshield, and it was getting smashed down by the wind, so i started going slower so it could fly off because i was sad it was getting smashed… and then i saw the reggie and the full effect video for get well soon, with that little lochness monster-ish thing, and i almost cried every time it tipped over it’s drink. i’m such a freak.

yesterday was gorgeous, and we spent it trying to stop the basement from flooding. hooray homeownership!

i’m gonna go watch crappy sunday morning tv.

sunday thoughts

datura — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 16:49:52 +0000

it’s hot outside. thank goodness for air conditioning, altho i miss the open windows. but open windows mean heat so i’m good. i love sunshine.

i’m groggy and can’t get out of my own way. but i wanna be doing something productive. so far i did the dishes and put away some laundry. i should do more…

i start my part time schedule this week. i hope the extra rest lets me stay healthy for the rest of this pregnancy. i can’t handle anymore kidney pain or throwing up. i wonder how some women can love being pregnant. it’s been so hard for me.

kitty has been meowing like crazy all weekend. i think he’s got alzheimers or something. i need to google that to see if cats can get it. atlas has been on an adventure. i’ve only seen him hunting in the woods randomly this weekend. he must not want to sleep on my furniture right now.

i’m boring. i’m not sure why i keep this thing. i should start posting pictures or something entertaining. oh i know! maybe i’ll make stuff and sell it here. that would be awesome.

i love my sirius satellite radio.

*yawn*

21 weeks and counting

datura — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 00:53:28 +0000

i can’t believe i’m just over halfway there. pregnancy hasn’t been anything like i expected. i’ve had 3 hospital stays! 2 for not being able to stop throwing up for days, and one for what they thought was a kidney stone but ended up being some kind of kidney infection thing. all the things pregnancy can bring on or increase the chances of are kinda scary. my friend has pregnancy induced carpel tunnel. it’s crazy. but in the end it’ll be worth it. we’ve found out that it’s a girl. i’ve been able to feel her move around and kick for about 2 weeks now, which is really amazing, and kinda creepy at the same time. we haven’t started the nursery at all, and i’m kinda in a panic about it, even tho i know i don’t need to be. we’ll start it soon. i’ve picked out a cute little pattern i wanna go with from target and we’ve picked out the furniture. it’ll come together.

i want to knit something really cool for the little bean, but i’m not good enough yet i don’t think. i’m going to start a blanket i think. since it’s square, i’m pretty sure i can handle it. :D i’d like to do some hats and booties and things, but that’s way too advanced for me still. i’ll get it eventually.

due date october 10 2006

datura — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 23:56:29 +0000

here are the first pictures of baby. :)
almost 13 weeks!
we are very excited.

looking back

datura — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 22:21:00 +0000

after looking back through my past entries, now that they are all here (thanks rob and fred), i realized how much i used to write. i miss it. i’m going to start posting my poems and thoughts again. it’s good for the soul.

bye to mt

datura — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:40:42 +0000

somebody hacked my site and was using it for illegal things. i’ve decided the internet is really lame. i’m gonna try wordpress and if it doesn’t make me happy, i’m quitting the net.

miss kalin elizabeth

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

i love my little munchkins. they are so much fun. i got an awesome valetine from them today at work. it made my day. all i can do is talk about babies. it’s insane. one of these days i’ll update about something else.

nesting

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

i’ve got a new niece named kalin. she’s so pretty. my best friend had her second son the other day as well. i’ve been surrounded by babies. i’ve been knitting. i’ve been nesting. it’s my turn next. :)

some pictures

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

the view from my living room window in summer

kiah and tess playing in the leaves

kiah and her daddy

kiah

me and dakota napping

the first snow

alice in chains on a sunday morning

datura — Sun, 20 Nov 2005 14:51:57 +0000

wow, i haven’t updated in forever. i haven’t really done anything in forever. work takes over my life most of the time. that’s really kinda sad that i let it happen. but i don’t know what else to do. blerg. if it wasn’t for a few people who keep me entertained…

i broke out my old alice in chains cds this morning(which you would see on the right if kung-tunes was working). jar of flies is one of the best albums ever. it’s too bad layne died. they could still be putting out some cool music today. i remember they were the openers at my first show, and it was right before man in the box came out, and everyone was giving them crap. my friend and i were in awe. they were awesome. and they had balls coming out onto a stage opening for anthrax, megadeth, and slayer. that was a fun show.

i’ve been restless lately. i wanna sing. i don’t do the little things i love enough. i need a band. :) who wants to rock out with me?

life

datura — Mon, 05 Sep 2005 17:58:07 +0000

i feel like i’ve been busy. my house is messy like i haven’t had time to clean it. or maybe i’ve been lazy. i’ve been busy and lazy at the same time.

i went to an awesome pagan festival the other weekend and it was lots of fun. i love the coming of autumn. i wish it could autumn all year. i got a lovely little goddess statue that i will hang in my room. i’ve missed that part of my life. i am happy to have it back. i feel like i’m nesting and preparing. a change is coming soon.

the fryeburg fair is coming at the end of this month. i’m so excited. i haven’t gone in about 4 years now and i’ve missed it bunches. i’m hoping to go for a whole day. i’m particularly interested in seeing piglets. i have a little obsession with them. i want one. cutest animal ever. i’m also just looking forward to being outside in the crisp autumn air. mmm, pumpkins and gords, apple picking and cider, leaves crunching under my feet….

miss kiah turned 1 on august 23rd. i love her so much. it’s so fascinating to watch her learn and grow. she’s walking now and it’s just so cool to see her little legs move her around. she visited yesterday and had me giggling bunches. i was holding the gray kitty and she would pet his head, he’d meow (in his always whiny tone) and she would mimic him. but she thought he was crying, she was genuinely sad for him. it’s was so cute. she was concerned about him the whole time she visited. she’s just so lovely. she will have a new sister soon. i’m gonna be an auntie times 2. how exciting!

there is a classic car show coming this weekend. i’m looking forward to seeing some gto’s. i’m pretty sure i’ll feel like i need to buy one. man, i totally wish i could. i wanna rock around the streets in a loudmouthed car. that would be hot. also coming up is minigolf smackdown. fucking rock on. this was an awesome event last year and i think this year it’s going to be even better. it seems some 30+ people will be participating. woo! watch out bitches! i want the winning team this year!

i became the news chick on the angry panda show podcast last night as well. podcasting is quite fun. yet i did a terrible job on my first show. forgive me now, laugh if you need to. i mangled the news, did a terrible job pronouncing things, and just plain sucked hard. next week i will recover. and if i do not, i won’t subject you all to my suckiness any longer. be easy on me. i’ll be less anxious next time. :)

i love 3 day weekends. we need them forever. i have so much around the house that i wanna do before winter. i really need to get busy. but i think today i’m gonna just sit back, relax and enjoy the cool air and the warm sun. maybe read a little. speaking of that, i need to get some books out of the box in the basement. perhaps i’ll go do that now.

i do not even know

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

i suck at updating this shit lately. i suck at a lot of things. blerg. one of these days, my brain will stop long enough for me to spit out something more than whiny banter about shit that only i understand.

one line

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

and i draw a line
to your heart today
to your heart from mine
a line to keep us safe

more dreams

datura — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 15:01:37 +0000

have you ever had a dream with an imposing sense of doom in it the whole time? but you never sort of figure out what was making you feel that way? i was walking, kitty was following me, and i was taking pictures of the way the sun came through the trees as storm clouds were rolling in. i turned around and there was a home, a normal family home. except all the windows were gone and what pieces of glass were left were blackened. inside there was normal furniture, white bedspread with flowers on it, kitchen table with a beige table cloth… but the outside of the house was black, burned, and really depressed looking. i took pictures of it from the street until i noticed that kitty was gone. he had ventured inside. i was terrified because i wasn’t going in there. i called him from the street. he looked at me from the kitchen and meowed. he was in every window, walking along the blackened glass pieces, meowing madly. something was not right, and i felt it to my bones. i ended up staying in the house across the street all night, looking out, waiting for my kitty to reappear. the people in the house were nice the day before, but became mean as the night moved on. by morning i was desperate to finish my walk home. i noticed i had duct tape around my wrists like bracelets. i don’t remember this, i don’t remember this… i went out with my camera, and kitty was outside with me. but he wasn’t the same and neither was i. we walked slowly home, quietly, listening to the wind howl as another storm began to blow in. i was taking pictures of the way the black bled through the trees as storm clouds were rolling in. the outside of everything, just as the house was, was blackened, burned and depressed.

slurp

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

HOLY HELL I AM ADDICTED TO FREEZE POPS!!!!!112!@

lovelies

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

…words cannot express how much i love them…

dreams

datura — Mon, 04 Jul 2005 14:58:37 +0000

my dreams are so intense and crazy that i wake up tired. am i the only one? last night… i’m in the garage at my parents house. it’s 3:00 am and i am waiting for the dentist to show up. i can’t believe they scheduled my appointment for 3:19am. so i’m waiting out there, in the dentist chair, looking at the tools, thinking, ugh, i hate these sharp things. i decide that since i can’t sleep, and since i have to wait for him to get there, i’m going to replace the sharp tools with the ultrasonic ones. so i’m moving around all that stuff, waiting. i get nervous that he’ll be mad at me for messing with the tools so i hurry and try to put them all back like they were. and for some reason there is a radio on a country music station in the background that i can’t turn off! then i fell asleep. i woke up the next morning to my dad yelling about how all this dentist shit was in his garage and how he needed to get the lawn mower… the dentist was banging on the door in the night but no one new what was going on so he left… fucking chaos. and retarded chaos at that…. that’s all i remember.

the night before it was taking a trip and a broken radiator… which makes me nervous because we are leaving for new york in a few days. meh. i just wanna sleep at night. that’s not too much to ask. :P

ha

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

fuck

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

this song makes me want to have sex.

the postman syndrome makes me hot.

mmm… music… yum.

got a nasty habit called rock n roll

datura — Tue, 10 May 2005 14:45:19 +0000

first things first: if you do not understand that the car you are driving is a weapon, then get the fuck out of it. stop the car and walk away. you might actually hurt someone if you keep it up.

okay now to the entry. playlists. sweet sweet playlists. my friend and my foe. you give me orgasmic pleasure and violent pain all in one breath. we dance together softly and thrash wildly on a daily basis. and i still love you. and i still fight with you. but today! ha! today i have concurred you. today, i have, very proudly, created the perfect playlist for my current musical tastes. for the first time ever, i will not skip over songs and annoy myself silly over what i want to listen to. if you, music lover, have the same issue, i urge you to post about it, and share with us all your perfect playlist. mine is below. listen and enjoy.

PLAYLIST #1 – HOTT (the following artists and albums on random)

avec – if i breathe i fall asleep, avec ep

charlotte hatherley – grey will fade

cruiserweight – sweet weaponry

the faint – blank-wave, danse macabre, wet from birth

karmella’s game – what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, full length demos (rough mix)

metric – old world underground, where are you now?, grow up and blow away, static anonymity ep

pretty girls make graves – self titled, the new romance

the sounds – living in america

yeah yeah yeahs – fever to tell

random update, awesome weekend

datura — Mon, 02 May 2005 13:46:54 +0000

i love weekends. a bunch of us went to see the hitchikers guide to the galaxy on saturday. this is the best movie ever. EVER. you must see it. go now. hurry. after the movie we all went to thatchers for some food and drinks. i love my friends. even tho i don’t see you all often, you guys rock my world. thanks for being so awesome. :)

yesterday, sys and i watched the best/worst/best again movie and drank lots of wine. mmmm wine. mmmm bad movies. mmmm sys… yay for being happy!!

we all have secrets

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

postsecret.blogspot.com

what a brilliant and beautiful idea

your touch versus death

datura — Thu, 24 Mar 2005 17:18:24 +0000

in a time where words mean nothing unless they are typed, i found you, and you brought me nothing in return. typical. it’s easier that way. with wings broken on stars lifted, among the nothing in your eyes. nothings, patterned around everythings and somehow that makes sense to you. with your ribbons undone and your hair falling out… this time things can change. your words will mean everything, as you forever fall into the nothing that i’ve been watching you walk towards for years. you’ll never understand.

snowy saturday

datura — Sat, 12 Mar 2005 16:50:55 +0000

it’s pretty, but after today no more please.

clicky for large images

what the hell

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

ugh.

layout

datura — Mon, 07 Mar 2005 02:48:11 +0000

i’m working on the new layout so a lot of the links may not function properly right now. should be working smoothly soon. :)

yay kitties!!

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

we adopted atlas this weekend. large and in charge baby! dakota is adapting well.

i hate pc’s

datura — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 01:43:37 +0000

my site looks terrible on a pc. if you have a pc, i urge you to destroy it. buy a mac. hurry!

i had a really great thing in my head on the long ride home and now i can’t remember it. i hope it comes back to me so i can write it down.

we got about 15″ of snow. it’s all cold and blustery out. and in the dark i saw a small orange kitten trying to run over a snowbank. next time i see a kitty out in this nasty weather, i’m bringing it home.

*sigh*
nighty night

something old

datura — Sun, 20 Feb 2005 17:55:08 +0000

2003-06-05
time is neverending
like the needles you slip underneath the sheets each night
i know you saw me cringe, and you grinned and then we went into that swirling world together… alone…
time is always-ending
like the pedals that fall each morning with the heaviness of the dew.
and i know you saw me fall, and you grinned and we woke from that swirling world together… alone…

2003-07-10
absorbed, saturated
moving through life without thought
just please, you do notice, right?
it’s numb, my mind
numb
i hear nothing but dull mumbled sincerities of nothing but numbing words that slur into nothing because there’s nothing in my mind
numb
absorbed

girlfriends

datura — Thu, 17 Feb 2005 22:28:13 +0000

i found jamie. and i love her. and i missed her. and i’m happy. now i just need some time to visit with her. i miss having a bestest friend. i mean i have people, always have, but life is different now with family and work and all the adult crap. lately i miss a girlfriend, who wants to drink blue slushies and ride around in the car being obnoxious and singing really loud and laughing until we can’t see! someone to share lip gloss with and someone to wander around the salvation army with, looking for clothes that we can make into cooler clothes. la la la…

i don’t like being 30 today. it’s the first time 30 felt old. :(

untitled

datura — Wed, 16 Feb 2005 01:43:54 +0000

i keep hearing songs that remind me of you, even tho i don’t know you. and i talk with you about them in my head. telling you stories, bringing us together again, one more time, for the first time, every time. i wish i could seep into your veins like the music into our souls. i’d whisper i’m sorry and what if and i should’ve. and you’d understand. and we’d dance and sing together, all the songs that reminded me of you. the songs that reminded you of me.

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

i love good music damnit i fucking do. i need more too. please help. thanks.
current goodness:

avec

9 string bass

datura — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 20:58:17 +0000

jean baudin is quite possibly the coolest man alive. very impressive. and a custom 9 string pac-man conklin bass?!! come on! it doesn’t get cooler than that. seriously now.

btw, coolest man alive aside from kaas33n0 r4wb!!
omgkthx mb!

jenny lewis

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

i love rilo kiley and i triple love jenny lewis.

ten shuffle…

datura — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 17:13:57 +0000

again… because my other one i posted at myspace.

using itunes, your ipod, or whatever your mp3 player of choice is, shuffle or randomize your entire library and write down the first ten tracks you hear.

1. slow divers by jane’s addiction – kettle whistle
2. don’t go by embodyment – songs for the living
3. music box superhero by the juliana theory – understand this is a dream
4. no quarter by tool – salival
5. make it hot by mirah – advisory committee
6. futures by jimmy eat world – sessions @ aol
7. highway robbery by the dillinger escape plan – miss machine
8. i never by rilo kiley – more adventurous
9. technicolor jackets by blood has been shed – spirals
10. lonely in your arms by the postman syndrome – terraforming

yay for variety!

busy busy busy!

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

new job, new stuff, new things, busy!

soon the site will be located at the domain below and hopefully looking prettier because i like pretty.

www.eclipsedbyme.com

my top 10 and a few extras

datura — Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:15:38 +0000

at first i wasn’t into the idea of doing a top 10 because i couldn’t think of more than like 5 or so, but once i got started i rediscovered a few things. so here goes!

Datura’s Top Ten Albums of 2004

10. Walls Of Jericho – All Hail The Dead

Classic hardcore and completely kickass. Favorite track – Through The Eyes Of A Dreamer

9. theSTART – Initiation

I couldn’t take this CD out of my player for weeks after I got it. It’s perfect from start to finish. Aimee Echo is such a great vocalist. This band is one of my favorites. Favorite track – Peacocks

8. Lostprophets – Start Something

I love every single song these guys do. Perfect for summer drives and sing alongs. Total rockstars. Favorite track – A Million Miles

7. Killswitch Engage – The End Of Heartache

HOWARD. Need I say more? Favorite track – The End Of Heartache

6. Avec – If I Breathe I Fall Asleep

I just recently discovered this band and they are my new obsession. Beautiful lyrics, intense meoldies, and awesome male and female vocals. I love Avec.
Favorite track – 16 minus 71

5. Unearth – The Oncoming Storm

These guys are finally getting the recognition they deserve. They have done so much hard playing and touring. This is their best yet. Plus they have Ken and he’s cool. Favorite track – This Lying World

4. Lamb Of God – Ashes Of The Wake

RANDY. WALL OF DEATH. Fucking instense. I love this CD. Favorite tracks – Blood Of The Scribe, Break You

3. Paulson – Variations

After just finding out about these guys, I am in love. This CD has everything. It fits all moods and it perfect for anytime. It’s a constant on my playlist. Favorite tracks – The Hard Way, Optimism is for stupid Idiots

2. A Wilhelm Scream – Mute Print

This album completely rocks from start to finish and leaves you wanting more. I love these guys, I love this style, and I love every single song on this album!!

1. Converge – You Fail Me

Better than Jane Doe. Converge is musically, lyrically, and passionately one of the best bands of our time. Listen to this CD from start to finish. each song weaves into the other.

Datura’s Honorable Mentions of 2004

PJ Harvey – Uh Huh Her

Back to her roots and older sound. This album has a few high points mixed in with a few boring ones. Listen to Shame, The Letter

Hopesfall – A Types

I’m just starting to get into this CD. I think this may end up being a favorite, but since it’s so new to me, I couldn’t count it in the top 10. Listen to Per Sempre Marciamo, Champion Beyond Blessing

Jimmy Eat World – Futures

I love these guys. When I can’t find anything to fit my mood, this album always works. Listen to Work, Night Drive, 23

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Fever To Tell

I love Karen O’s voice. And I love the crazy messy music. Another album with high points mixed in with low points. Listen to Rich, Pin, No No No

i’m desperate

datura — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:01:47 +0000

i need new music. i need something to be obsessed with. i need something that i can get lost in. suggestions please please please. help me! i need more lovely music like avec, mirah, carina round, rilo kiley… i’m starting to need to make music. i can listen and become immersed in a lot of stuff, but i’m still missing something.

crooked little house

datura — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

there was a crooked man
and he walked a crooked mile
he found a crooked sixpence
upon a crooked stile
he bought a crooked cat
who caught a crooked mouse
and they all lived together
in a crooked little house

i don’t feel so good

datura — Fri, 17 Dec 2004 19:21:53 +0000

for the past 2 weeks i’ve woken up exhausted. and i’ve slept. but i’ve been so busy in my dreams, i haven’t been able to rest while i sleep. i’ve dreamt about work, about friends, about death, about feeling left out, about being in control, being out of control, being lost, being the first in line, floating in the ocean, watching the today show from my front yard, electrocution… you name it and i’ve pretty much had a dream around it these past few weeks.

stress is wearing me out. i’m pretty sure that’s it. the nasty cold i’ve got isn’t helping. and running around between work and holiday stuff… bah…

i’ve got big hopes for next year. big new plans and things that i want to finally achieve. i need to start off the year with energy, not feeling like i got hit by a train. i hope i can finally get some sleep this weekend…

sad world

datura — Tue, 14 Dec 2004 20:51:03 +0000

it’s sick how people judge. and it’s sick how people can be so ignorant. and william grim is just as much of a fucked up person as nathan gale and he deservers to be in hell with him. it’s so unfortunate that people can’t look beyond the outside and realize that we are all only human beings.

i wanted to post this site because i thought his reply rocked. thanks h3ll5p4wn for such a great letter.

now to prepare my own…

sad panda

datura — Tue, 14 Dec 2004 15:17:40 +0000

i don’t really know what i am doing. and this is when i feel like i should. i’ve got all these plans and new things going on next year. new jobs. i’m terrified. how do you ever know if you are making the right decision or not? what if leaving here is a bad idea? yes, i hate it here. but you know what? i don’t hate it all the time. or am i convincing myself of that so i stay where it’s comfortable… i just feel sad today. tired. got a sore throat and a headache. trying to take every little thing that i do and turn it into a manual for my job. it’s impossible. why does life have to be so difficult? i can’t help but wonder if this is really what our purpose is… wherever we came from, however we ended up here… just doesn’t seem like this is what it was supposed to be about. *sigh*

sad news

datura — Thu, 09 Dec 2004 19:42:44 +0000

Dimebag Darrell Abbott 1966-2004

this is really sad and crazy news. everything i ever heard or saw about dimebag was that he was one of the nicest people in the world. and someone walks up to him, while he’s doing what he loves, and shoots him in the head 4-6 times. i can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for all the fans in the audience last night. i can’t imagine what vinnie and the abbott family are going through. and all possibly over pantera getting back together? it’s all speculation at this point, but damn. that is just so silly. the whole thing is really sad. dimebag was definitely one of the best guitarists of our time. he will always be remembered. rest in peace. it never ceases to amaze me how cruel and violent people can be. and over the most simple of things. i’m really just shocked.

updates available at blabbermouth.net

crayons!

datura — Wed, 01 Dec 2004 21:50:18 +0000

crayons and coloring make me so happy. and now i have my very own fancy special coloring book with pictures that i can color over and over and over again because i’m loved. and that fucking rocks my world. and i’m luckier than you!

i’m hoping santa brings me some fresh crayons!

my eyes are burning

datura — Sat, 27 Nov 2004 05:39:55 +0000

i’m desperately trying to find organization in my life. i need to identify and align. i need to create and customize. i need to calm down, that’s what i need…

i want. so many things. but first i guess i need to find motivation. but shouldn’t wanting be the motivation? i thought so, but i don’t know now. it’s hard for me to tell since i still want stuff and i’m not any closer to getting it. or am i. i mean, it is almost another year gone. another year closer. to what tho? god, i hate my brain. nothing ever makes any sense when i look at it in words. i have to figure out a way to convey what i am thinking and seeing in my brain. that has to be how people go insane. you’ll find me one day in the bathtub laughing out of control, my eyes rolling back in my head periodically, blood pouring from my mouth because i can’t come up with the words… sometimes i wonder what it would be like if my brain could consume me. slowely envelope me in it’s insanity until i’m completely lost in my own little world. maybe that’s a prediction of what i have to come. dementia. the flow of one thing to another is broken. does anyone else notice that? one thing leads to dementia, leads to broken, leads to lipgloss. nerve endings triggering the wrong reaction.