eclipsedbyme

i want one!
…so very badly…

i have no interest in this day job shit that i have. well, wait, i have interest in the monday through friday schedule and the salary, but what does that get me? pure unhappiness on a daily basis. then the other job, fun, cool people, i can be myself… but random schedule, less money, but but but. fucking stupid life. what is the point? i really just wanna stay home and do things that make me feel good. i guess some people would say that makes me selfish or something. but i wanna know what they think the purpose of life is? i mean, is it be work for the man, make money to pay more money to that man so that you can have an over expensive car that needs over expensive fuel every week? not in my eyes. life is about relationships. about love, about experiencing. and everything that i’m doing right now, when i’m away form my little corner of life, goes against everything i think that life is. stupid life. *kicks something and pouts*

so do i choose happiness over money? doesn’t money lead to happiness? can you be happy if you can’t afford to live? can you work a job for money and get beyond the miserableness of it? wtf is wrong with the world?

on another note, i’m doing a new layout for this site in my head. if i can ever get the time to hook up with my sys and make it happen you might see it.

i saw a hawk this morning. what a lovely way to live, flying through the crisp autumn morning, sunshine, hunger… i looked directly at the sun to see it then closed my eyes. i didn’t mind that i was driving. it was actually comforting. thinking of the way my car would roll slightly to the left, upside down, and i would finally be able to rest, alone, quiet. my turn for silence. and i opened my eyes in time to see myself crossing into the other lane. i was lost, on that familiar road, morning traffic, the same cars, and for one moment i felt okay, since i wasn’t rushing to work, i was rushing to rest.

i said that name and skipped a heartbeat
i said it with a second chance and a forgetful smile
i said it with the faint glimmer of suicide
i tasted my wreckage in our conversations
deep under the faint hums of far gone engines
with all signal flares blazing we lay somewhere inbetween
the smear of yellow lines and empty promises
i long for the grant of wings
i long for the dead of night when all of this passes
you never meant those three words
now i can’t remember how to set my heart alight
you never meant a word, not a fucking word of it
i am so sick of goodbyes
i’m so sick of committing suicide
i am so sick of the inbetween now and then
so sick of swinging the hammer
so sick of my suicide
of burying every hero that i had

-jacob bannon – converge

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!@!312!!1111! :P
i’m all done. no more of this, i’m going insane. and jesus i’m tired.
and i miss you soooooooooo much. so fucking bad. it sucks. i hate it.

i want a pinup calendar. wait, i’ll take the whole girl…

there are words on the tip of my tongue. words fumbling around in my brain. pieces of a wonderful chaos that just won’t come together. we are almost there.

i don’t know what is going through my mind most of the time. for example now, i don’t want 2 jobs anymore, i just want one, and i want the one that pays and that gives me weekends off. why do i keep going back and forth? am i fucking nuts? i’m pretty sure i’m fucking nuts.

kiah mae – aug 23rd 1:09am – 8lbs, 1oz, 22″ – and a perfect niece :)