eclipsedbyme

rock n roll

if it was any more obvious, you’d bleed
and i’d take you over and over through that space
where you beg me not to go, again
and time after time we sought nothing but silence
and time after time i broke silence with my scream
and 24 days later you showed me what it was like to be dead
and dead was the only thing that made me happy
and you said that was sick
but i was just happy to be feeling something
so leave me be
shut me out and leave me in peace
screaming to feel dead again
and happy

you have to be completely nuts to want to live in the hell heat that sits it’s fat ass down on alabama. dumbasses.

take me into the dark night sky, admire me, that’s what things have become
take me out into the night, fill me with light, shine opposite the sun
it’s the only reason i have for living, shining moon in the the dark night sky
pondering the cut, shot, eye, rolling back, nesting in it’s home, can’t cry

i dreamt of you while blood drooled down my cheek,
dripped off my chin, and pooled on the curve of my breast and i waited
to see you in the haze before i could say goodbye but you were never there, and i know why…

take me into the belly of the storm, leave me, that’s where I belong
take me out into the windy night, sway with me, lonely, sighing a song
it’s the only reason i have for living, blistering gray clouds at night
seeing from you nothing, beaming from me, white, nothing, light

i dreamt of you while blood drooled down my cheek,
dripped off my chin, and pooled on the curve of my breast and i waited
to see you in the haze before i could say goodbye but you were never there, and i know why…

silence my lady head
get girl out of my head
douse hair with gasoline
set it light and set it free

i’m in a constant state of unsettled, unhappy, unachieved, unbalanced, unpleased, uneverything and it’s just always bringing me down further and further. nothing is ever just there, nothing is ever just good. i’m tired. i’m lonely. i’m bored. i’m sick of the neverending cycle of this. i’m sick of the ever changing never simple things that we go through. does it all even mean anything? if it does is it worth it? how long can all this just go on and on and on? i’m sure forever, but is that good? is that the desired goal? forever? well i’ve never done this before so my mistakes are white. i don’t know what i’m doing and neither do you. i’m just looking for a way to make it easier, less painful. people exist for us to experience, and i’ve experienced all kinds of you. do you take me in like that? do you feel me like that? do you take that into consideration? does it mean anything? i’m trying to get through the lonely. no one wants it. you don’t, and you do things to fix it. we gravitate to people who can take that away. i don’t have anything but this place and home. and it’s all lonely because you are never there anymore. it’s not what i wanted and it’s not how i pictured it to be. i’m sure i’m weak. i should have died when i was born, the strong survive, and i am not strong. i have strong thoughts and opinions, but as expected, i wanna curl up and snuggle where i can feel protected and i don’t have anywhere to do that. i hate myself and sometimes think about the cut or the shot that could make it go away and i wonder if it will ever be noticed, or if i’ll be missed for my chapstick obsession or my tomato cheeks or the way i twist my ankle every month, or for all the stress and irritation i cause. stupid drama. all in all, i probably just want something that i don’t have and once i have it, i’ll look for something else, or a way to break it, manipulate it, and life just goes and goes and i just get closer and closer to wanting to die because i don’t know what else to do… just the silly girl who can’t stop thinking, talking, wanting, pondering, wishing, dreaming, obsessing about every little thing until it’s turned into something a million times larger than it is… what a waste of everything good that i could be. what an impression you must have of me…

i’ve seen this house before, but it never towered over me like it did last night. gutted, empty, but left in a hurry. the windows, 4 feet taller, loomed over me, slanted, bright, blinding sunlight through the clouds. but it was night. she was there again, brought me to it, took me from it. i wandered along the outer edge of the house, tracing the rain puddles with my feet, and felt energized. she led me beyond the puddles, past the trees, to the red room. weeping men in clean white lined the room, rubbing invisible stones. we collected the stones from them and wandered back to the front door. we placed our givings on the disregarded porch and knocked on the door, in memory. the house creaked in a gust of wind, and we ran on to the gates for more.

like lipgloss and ice cream and fuzzy. just lovely.

slowely consuming every speck of everything,
with stars and shiny smiles and clouds full of blue, and you

remember that time we laughed and i could see inside you?
it was intoxicating and i’m still there, never fear, still there

drowning, melting, spiraling, lovely, you are
out of control running in my mind, those stars falling all around me

leaving me intoxicatingly, chaoticly lost
never fear, i cannot leave, i’m here