i’m having this obsessive compulsive issue with all my bits over the internet. blips here, twitpics there, flickrs, youtubes, status updates galore… it’s stressing me out. i think i’ll just post more here instead. need to minimize the stress.
purchased. happy.
i worked on the 3rd floor, in an assisted living facility. i didn’t know what i was doing tho. i remember thinking i could just get by, but then realizing the shift was from 7pm to 7am, i figured i’d better get in that little room and figure out if someone needs medicine. as i was walking into the little closet, i was greeted by a nurse from another floor. she had someone who needed to be admitted, but there were no open beds left. i was pissed. no way was i taking another person on my floor. i followed her down the hallway to some stairs, telling her that i couldn’t bring someone insane up here with all these older people sleeping. it would disrupt everything. she walked away and i continued down the hallway to a small stairwell. there was a dingy yellow light at the top and blackness at the bottom. i heard water. i walked down the stairs, hearing sloshing as i got closer. it was dark, but my ankles were wet, so i knew i was standing in water. i heard someone behind the door. i’m pretty sure i wasn’t in the assisted living place anymore. the door opened by itself and i went in. there wasn’t water inside. there was an old man wearing a green robe. he was sitting next to an old christmas tree all lit up. next to the tree were dusty shelves full of boxes of old broken ornaments and lights. in the other corner was a melted plastic christmas tree. the old man spoke up, “where is your christmas spirit? this whole room could be bright with light, but it’s not because of you.”
what the hell is wrong with my head?
i’m mad at myself. the past 2 years of my life have been hard. tests, chemotherapy, surgery, radiation… and i’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i will be going in for breast reconstruction in 2 weeks. no more tissue expanders. i’ve missed the softer curves, but i’m still mad. i didn’t document. i don’t have pictures. i probably fought the hardest battle of my life and i have not written a word or snapped a before and after picture. it’s almost as though i’ve been through all this but have nothing to show. which is totally silly to say, since i have life. cancer makes you think crazy things. and moving on after an event like cancer is so much harder than you might think. i still feel lost and i’m not sick. i should feel strong. i feel like i’d be happier with a book of words and pictures to look back upon. i would carry it with me everyday. and flip through the pages each night. and it would help me heal. i’m not sure i’m really healing inside.
i’m supposed to be working. i’m not. i’m supposed to be fulfilled. i’m not. what i am tho, is tired. tired of waking up. tired of driving. tired of working. tired of not feeling. this is not what i’m supposed to be thinking. after everything, i should be blinded by happiness. staring at the sun or like looking into my iphone first thing in the morning. burn my retina happy. you know? how about little something to brighten my day?
so now that i’ve had my ovaries removed, i’m starting menopause. at age 33. yay. anyways, it’s been fine so far, no REAL hot flashes, but lots of body temperature changes and lots of tiredness. i’m going to the store today to get my vitamins and calcium so i can fight osteoporosis. anyways, i’ve been having really weird dreams lately. last night, i dreamt about teeth. my teeth were falling out. one at a time. the first that i lost was right in the front and i was devastated. all i could do was wait until i could get in touch with the dentist. as i waiting to get in touch with him, other teeth were loose and falling out. i picked one up to look at it and it was hollow. i was so upset.
when i woke this morning i was brushing my teeth and remembered the dream. i decided to google dream meanings and teeth falling out and this is what i found – “In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.”
freaked me out.
life moves so fast. ella is 2. talking non stop. loves to sing and dance and read books. she is up at 7am and goes all day. it’s so fun watching her learn and explore. and i love more than anything watching her and rob talk. it’s so cute and makes my heart all fuzzy.
since i got pregnant with her, i’ve had a horrid pregnancy full of hospital trips and kidney stones. i’ve been diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer. i went through 6 brutal chemotherapy treatments. had a bilateral mastectomy and then went thru 28 days of radiation. had rapidly growing cysts on my ovaries which resulted in a bilateral oophorectomy, which i just had last week. in january of 2009, i’ll have my breast reconstruction.
i’m lucky that ella came when she did. she was my only chance. and i’m so grateful that i’m here to watch her grow up.
i think about that every. single. moment.
