eclipsedbyme

i’m leaving the hospital today and heading back home to maine to recover. it’s certainly been a rough whirlwind of a few days. we came down to boston and stayed in the hotel next to the hospital wednesday. bright and early thursday morning we went into surgical admitting and they whisked me away. went into the pre-surgery unit, got an IV and some medications, some sexy hospital pants and footies. laid on the bed and talked to about a zillion different people about the surgery, anesthesia and all kinds of stuff. then the anesthesia nurse said “i’m going to give you something now that will relax you, like a nice big glass of wine.” and it was. i loved it. i don’t remember much after that. but from what i understand, the surgery took about 5 hours and went very well. i woke up groggy but i remember going from recovery to my permanent room. it took me a few days to get back on my feet and to get control over the pain but i think i’ve got it worked out now. now i just have to get used to this phantom feeling i have in my chest. this numb squishy transitional feeling. it’s weird. and i get to go home with 4 drains coming out of the incision areas. yay! :( so i have things hanging from my body too. bizarre and creepy. but that cancer is gone. it’s not in me anymore, not growing and making me sick. and there no chance of it coming back the same way. and that makes me happy. the next steps are healing from surgery and expanding the skin to the size of my new breasts. then radiation for 6 weeks. the healing from that. then i can finally finish reconstruction after that. so when i look ahead, i’ve still gotta be strong, but the hardest stuff is past me now. that also makes me happy.

i really haven’t cried much through this whole situation. i still doesn’t seem real to me sometime. i often wonder if i will have a breakdown after it is all said and done. who knows. who cares. i just wanna stick around a little longer so i’m gonna fight.

start here:

75% Mike Gravel
74% John Edwards
73% Bill Richardson
71% Barack Obama
71% Hillary Clinton
69% Chris Dodd
68% Dennis Kucinich
62% Joe Biden
39% Tom Tancredo
37% Rudy Giuliani
32% Mitt Romney
32% Ron Paul
29% John McCain
29% Fred Thompson
28% Mike Huckabee

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

well i’m in boston having my 5th and second to last chemo (YAY!!). i just got my iv in and my first drug started and i thought about what i just heard in my visit with the doctor and just giggled from happiness. i came down on friday to have a PET and CT scan to start planning for my surgery and i got the results today. and the results are this:

THEY SEE NO MORE CANCER THANKS TO THE CHEMO. :)

while i still have a long road ahead of me (surgery), i’m soooooo thankful that my treatment plan is working so well for me. i will be a survivor and i will live a long life. i feel blessed.

i realized i’m dreaming like i’ll live forever, but i’m not living like i’ll die tomorrow. and that pisses me off.

breast cancer at age 32. how the hell does that happen?

i thought the light was dim when i saw the black cloud but i had no idea. i see it there tho. it’s still shining and i know it’ll be bright again. it’s just waiting in the dark. with that sting in your eyes. close them. rest them. open them. motivate. all this time i’m thinking about a million things and places and people and situations. and all i should be doing is absorbing. then healing. i think i will. i don’t think i’ll be numb forever. but right now i can’t cope. or i can cope, by not coping or thinking. about me. just about everyone else. my head is always cold now. chemostylee.

i feel as tho my life is surrounded with big looming black clouds and every day is a fight to keep them away. name every person in my family and i can tell you a sad story. me included. ella not included, thankfully.

if i thought it might matter,
i’d say
if i thought saying it again would work,
i would
but nothing manages to mean anything
when you look at it
i pretty much feel lost to it all
so i sit quietly
wondering where to go from here

we went out in the cold and wind to get a christmas tree this morning and it was so much fun. i love this time of year. i’ve managed to find time to decorate a little while ella cat naps throughout the day. i’ve enjoyed my 8 weeks at home so much. the thought of going back to the daily grind sucks so bad. thankfully my mom will be watching ella. i’m still going to miss her so much. i hope i can handle it. my goal is to work my ass off, pay off some debt and then go part time so i can spend more time with my family.

i love my family. :)

ella will be 6 weeks on monday! i can’t believe it. she’s a little piglet, she already weighs 10 lbs. i have to go back to work in 2 weeks. ugh. gross.